Pioneer: an honest post

I’ve been reluctant to post about this topic.  When I talk about the things that have happened with my parents and family in these last few years I get a broad spectrum of responses, and they’re not always easy conversations.  Being back in Midland has been quite the challenge because of this reality, but I have been learning and growing in spite of the pain that exists here.  Some days are better than others. Some days are HARD.  

I’ve spent a lot of time crying and questioning and wrestling and praying through everything that has happened.  Accepting the fact that after 40 years my parents relationship would end in divorce.  Coming to the realization that I didn’t really grow up in a home with a healthy marriage, even though I was unaware of it at the time.  Realizing that people I knew and trusted at church and in my daily life were lying to my face.  That’s a hard pill to swallow.  Here’s something I’ve found to be so true through this journey:

“Secrets make you sick and keeping them hidden away is like trying to hide a bag of trash.  It’s not “IF” it will start to stink, it’s just a matter of “WHEN.”

How do I know this is true? Because I’ve had a front row seat. Through this whole process I’ve learned that for at least the last 3 generations in my family no one has had a healthy marriage, at least not on my Dad’s side.  My parents, my grandparents, my great grandparents – littered with infidelity, divorce, bitterness, emotional separation and strife.  Their trash is still stinking and it’s still touching the lives of their descendants to this day.  Anybody who thinks they’re choices don’t really have lasting consequences on others is a crazy person. And it trickles down……

And those of you who are left shall rot away in your enemies’ lands because of their iniquity, and also because of the iniquities of their fathers they shall rot away like them. “But if they confess their iniquity and the iniquity of their fathers in their treachery that they committed against me, and also in walking contrary to me, so that I walked contrary to them and brought them into the land of their enemies—if then their uncircumcised heart is humbled and they make amends for their iniquity, then I will remember my covenant with Jacob, and I will remember my covenant with Isaac and my covenant with Abraham, and I will remember the land.

 

I never thought I would be confessing the sins of my fathers so that my family could live in freedom and healing.  Realizing that Meredith and I are the first in 3 generations to have healthy marriages was a mind bomb for me.  We are pioneers in this area and we didn’t even know it.  Why God chose us to break the lineage of separation in our family tree, I have no idea.  Am I grateful?  YES.  A thousand times yes.  Do I take it seriously?  YES.  Do I believe that God’s never-ending purpose is to redeem all things to Himself for healing and restoration and peace?  YES.  Is it hard to pioneer a God path (in any area)?  YES.   

Am I still angry with my parents?  Sometimes.  It will be a lifetime of working through what’s happened.  There are good days and bad days, especially when I run into people around town that just want the juicy details of a family drama.  For those other people who truly care about our family and ask how we’re doing, I do my best to give a brief update and be positive.  I’m so very grateful for those people who still love my family and remember some of the good times where they were blessed by us, in ministry or in day to day life.  

What’s my point?  Why am I sharing any of this? Because I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with heartache and having to face sin in a family and in our own personal choices.  It’s not easy or convenient to do the right thing a lot of times and I make a lot of mistakes on a daily basis. God has asked us all to pioneer in different areas, because he’s still using his people to be his hands and feet in this world.  It’s a daunting and terrifying task to face the uncharted wilderness of pioneer country.  There’s not a map. There’s only trust in Jesus.  Despite the terrain, He really does know where’s he’s taking you.  He’s patient with us when we veer from his plan and corrects the path………even if it takes 3 generations.  

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. I’m crying reading this. You KNOW I feel you on this. Y’all are pioneers, toby mad I are too and it’s a difficult road. But freedom isn’t free and it’s a good fight. I love you so so much and I’m so proud of you and we are praying always 🙂

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